This testimony is different from the others I have had the honor of documenting. It’s not just the story of one person’s life, but the members of her family and how their choices affect one another. Our lives can have a ripple effect to those around us, good or bad.
One of Stephanie’s first memories was at the age of 4 1⁄2. She was sleeping at her grandmother’s house, when her grandmother woke her up to tell her the wonderful news, “You have a little sister!” Stephanie’s response was, “I punched the wall because I wanted a brother.” Clearly, the news was not wonderful for Stephanie.
Stephanie was born on August 15, 1978, and her sister, Laura was born February 1, 1983. For the first few years they shared a room; and every time her sister cried, their mom would come running. So, from the very beginning, Stephanie felt like she was “put on the back burner.” Stephanie instantly resented her sister. Whenever she’d cry, Stephanie would “bop her on the head” to get her to stop. Of course, Stephanie herself was just a little girl, and she recalls, “When I look back at photos, I can see I really loved her. I would hold her, and we’d read books together. There’s pictures of us sleeping together in the bed.... she was my little partner.”
Stephanie grew up in Upper Greenwood Lake. “We lived in a lake community. I remember going out with my dad on his three-wheeler and going ice fishing with him.” Yet she goes on to say... “My childhood was kind of muffled...it was okay... we weren't abused or anything. But my parents fought a great deal. And I remember my sister would always cry.” So for her sister’s sake, Stephanie would pretend to cry in the hopes of getting their parents to stop fighting. (Stephanie “claims” “I’m not a crier”)
As time marched on, her mom would speak ill of their dad to the point that Stephanie formed a negative opinion of him. But in reality, she was seeing her dad through her mom’s eyes and like Stephanie says... “...everything’s so influenced when you’re young...”
At the age of 13 her parents divorced. But through those years of fighting, there were “other things that led up to the divorce.” Stephanie recalls walking in on her mom having an affair with a neighbor. This neighbor wasn’t the only one either...Stephanie shares... “my mom and the guy across the street would have these secret rendezvous’ in the basement after my mom would wait for my dad to go to sleep.”
Although her dad wanted him and her mom to tell the girls about the divorce together, her mom purposely told Stephanie prior, forcing her to act “surprised” when they “sat them down.” So, when her parents told them they about the divorce, Stephanie ran to her room and just laughed. She’s unclear as to whether she just didn’t know how to process it or because she knew already. Either way, there was a level of excitement...excitement in that being with mom meant no rules; Mom was fun, free...and to a kid that’s “the best.”
But her dad was so hurt and angry, he said, “...We’re selling the house...” Yet up until the time the house was sold, her mom moved the neighbor, Jack, in with them and her dad moved out that same day. Not only did Jack move in, so did his alcoholism, resulting in her mom drinking as well. And just like that... “alcohol took over the home.” And her dad set out to do exactly what he said...he sold the house, and they were all left with nothing.
Prior to the divorce Stephanie shares... “I remember my mom had a woman coming over...to do a Bible study...I remember as I got older, I would say [quote]...random verses from the Bible...and people would ask... ‘how do you know that stuff?’...I really think that I've been filled (with the Holy Spirit) since a young age... just didn't really know how to use it... and I had a little yellow (kid’s) Bible. So now that we're moving out of our childhood house...I'm 13 years old, my sister's four and a half years younger than I am...I remember...sitting in my window...praying...because I didn't want to go to my dad's, I didn't want to be homeless, and I didn't want my mom to be homeless... you're so worried when you're that age....and I just remember praying.” Shortly after that, her mom received a phone call that she was approved for a house up the road. And so, they moved; but then they moved again, and again...or as Stephanie describes it... “the...relocation of my life.”
But at least she remained in the same school district throughout High School. When Stephanie graduated, she knew she needed to leave home as the alcoholism increased, resulting in verbal abuse, disgusting name calling, fighting...
Jack had a son who was 10 years older than Stephanie. Jack both verbally and physically abused his son John. As an adult looking back, Stephanie shares, “Jack was a really nice guy when sober.” He taught her a lot of good things and even credits him with teaching her good table manners, how to interact with others...just overall respect. As an adult she can also see that his alcoholism was an illness.
Stephanie and her sister would go to their dad’s on weekends. Their dad not only remarried but had 2 stepchildren: one a year older than Laura and the other a year younger. Stephanie despised her stepmom because on weekends, the only time they saw their dad, they had to go to all the step siblings’ activities. This caused Stephanie to feel that they were more important than her & her sister. Not to mention when they slept over, her and her sister would have to take turns sleeping on couch and floor while the step siblings had their own bedrooms. To Stephanie, “...I always felt...forgotten...like I was always on the backburner.”
So as high school drew to an end Stephanie knew... “...I gotta do something; I can’t go on like this.” She was granted a “work study period” her senior year of HS, and so she’d leave a period early to go to an office type job, photocopying reports for an environmental company. From there, she would leave at 5pm to work at a telemarketing job. And then on Saturdays and Sundays she worked at a horse farm. Sure, she did it for the money, but one could say she was driven, motivated, determined, independent and had work-ethic. Stephanie chose to pay her own way as opposed to taking a handout. Right after graduation, she signed a lease for a condo which sadly didn’t end well. She rented the condo with a friend and her boyfriend, but all they did was fight, and not just verbally. Stephanie once again found herself in the same toxic atmosphere, just with different people. Stephanie would stay to herself...but before she knew it, she was partying with guys, drinking, smoking marijuana and as she puts it... “causing a ruckus.”
During this time, her sister would call, begging Stephanie to pick her up. Once, when her mom was in the hospital, Stephanie’s sister was left alone with Jack, his drinking, and abusive language. So Stephanie would pick her sister up in West Milford, bring her to Vernon for the night, and drive her back in the morning for school. Stephanie mentioned again that there was never any physical or sexual abuse. However, we did discuss how emotional scars run just as deep if not deeper as they are the ones that go unseen.
Between taking care of her sister and having hangovers from partying, Stephanie not only lost her job but her condo as well. Once again, she persevered. She gave her mom an ultimatum... “...we need to leave; you need to leave, Laura’s leaving. I’m gonna find a place and she's coming with me. So, you're either gonna leave Jack and come, or Laura's gonna have to drop out of school, get a job, and help me pay...rent.” Stephanie found a house to rent and together the 3 of them moved in. Her mom stopped smoking, stopped drinking; and even enrolled in a class paid for by work. At this point Stephanie is almost 20 years old and her sister is 15. Just when life was headed in a positive direction for the 3 of them, her sister began to date a boy 3 years older than her who had been in jail. On top of that, her mom reconnected with “one of her high school sweethearts,” and before long, her mom was drinking again. Stephanie began dating as well, and just like that, both boyfriends [Adam and Randy] moved in with them, and her sister moved out and in with her boyfriend.
Without warning, the landlord sold the house. Her mom and Randy rented one place, while Stephanie and Adam rented another. Stephanie shares, “And that’s when I started to dabble more into drugs.” Adam was a cocaine user, but Stephanie didn’t touch it [at that time] because she never liked the way “using” made him look. “...he looked ridiculous when he was high on that stuff.” But she did abuse alcohol and marijuana. Then like a light switch, panic attacks and anxiety attacks set in... “I didn't know what it was nor where it was coming
from. So, I just started to mask it more and more with more substances.” When she found out Adam was unfaithful to her, surprisingly she felt freedom not sadness. She started hanging out with different groups of people, and that's when she started to do the harder drugs.
He sister’s boyfriend ended up back in jail, so Laura moved around a lot; she went to South Carolina, dated different guys, returned home, met a new guy and by the time she was 19, she was not only hooked on cocaine, she gave birth to her 1st child, a boy, and approximately 3 years later gave birth to her 2nd child, a girl,
with the same guy. Then sadly, Laura ran away when her daughter was only 6 months old. “She just left. We had no idea where she was, and when that happened... I started doing [even] harder drugs...mushrooms...cocaine and all kinds of stuff (but not heroine.)”
Somehow Stephanie and Adam ended up in the same neighborhood. They not only ended up back together, Stephanie moved in with him. To this day she says, “I was back with him, and I don’t know why, we were toxic together.” They’d “party” all the time; yet this time she cheated on him. So, after he “walked in on her (with another guy),” she moved out and into the basement of her mom and Randy’s house. She lived there for a year which Stephanie says, “...was the longest year of my life.”
Then towards the tail end of that long year in her mom’s basement, Stephanie met a man named Brian (with an i). They hit it off right away and no sooner bought a house together. One can conquer that she was also impulsive. Stephanie recalls, “I remember my sister being there. My sister was at the house with...her son.”
Stephanie was affected by her sister’s choices; She was so overwhelmed by it all, crying all the time (although she says she’s not a crier), that her doctor put her on antidepressants. Although she stopped all the “hard core” drugs, she was still drinking. Stephanie states she never had a [physical] detox issue... “I think I just had the want to stop, like I just outgrew it...or ran out.” But there was always something; whether it was an antidepressant pill, a Xanax pill, a pain pill...there was always something. But Brian was one of the good guys;
never did drugs and seldom drank. He sensed Stephanie had an alcohol issue, but he was of the mentality...if she’s happy.... But then again, as Stephanie says, “His priorities were work and his truck.” Stephanie felt her needs weren’t being met, so she had them met elsewhere.
I pointed out to her the pattern; once again she had someone in her life where she was put on the “back-burner.” Someone or in this case, something was put before her. Stephanie had an “ah-ha” moment.
Anyway, one night while out “partying and partaking...” she remembers waking up the next morning, not feeling well, her friends brushed it off as a “hangover.” But it wasn’t...Stephanie was pregnant. She told Brian, and while walking out the door to take his truck upstate, he comments, “I guess we gotta think about what we want to do.” “Do?” She knew she didn’t want to “do” anything BUT have this baby; she was 29 years old and felt this was her chance to be a mom. Upon his return he confessed he didn’t know why he said what he said
because he too wanted this baby. The baby gave Stephanie purpose in taking care of herself; she stopped ALL drugs, ALL pills, she even stopped coffee, which she says was the worst. Throughout the pregnancy, she was, as Brian puts it... “at her best when pregnant.” During her pregnancy they tackled renovations on the house, but it was not completed when she gave birth to her son, Ryan, in June of 2008. They lived with Brian’s
parents for 3 months, while working on the house. During the baby’s 2nd wellness check, she was told that he was becoming jaundice and she would have to supplement the breast feeding with bottle feeding because she wasn’t producing enough milk. She was actually instructed to “...go home, take a hot shower and have a beer.” And all she had to do was “crack open” that first beer and instantly chose to bottle feed only. One beer became 2, which became 3, and like that Stephanie was “combing through the cabinets for pain pills.”
From the time Ryan was born to about the age of 2 1⁄2, there was a progression of alcoholism, and an avoidance of home. Stephanie went back to school two nights a week, although she never finished. She would drop her son off at Brian’s parents, and Brian would pick him up after work and bring him home. After her night class, Stephanie would go to the bar. There were even times when she’d walk in when Brian’s alarm clock was going off for work. At one point Brian mentioned marriage; not because he wanted to, but because
he thought they should. Although she agreed, less than 3 months before the wedding she told him she didn’t want to marry him, and he was fine with that. After 8.5 years of being together, he moved in with his parents and she got a job and a place to live. Ryan would go back and forth between Stephanie and Brian, and he adjusted better than they anticipated. The breakup was very civil and with no financial arrangements; Brian took care of Ryan when he was with him, and Stephanie took care of Ryan when he was with her. “The timeline of my life is...based on where I lived. I think I've counted...22 to 27 homes.”
Once again, Stephanie began to use. When she stopped, she’d stop, but when she started up again, she “went all in.” She commented on how she would push the limit but would always reel herself back in. I told her, “that was ALL Jesus, not letting go of His daughter.”
The enemy was persistent...Stephanie was now being “introduced” to energy pills. She thought at the time, “these things are fabulous. They’re awesome. I would eat them and be bionic...I would clean...refinish furniture...I wouldn't really sleep; I lost a lot of weight...I loved these things to the point...I was stealing them...taking Tylenol and shaving the Tylenol down to replicate the placebo ones in the other bottle when I was taking the real ones...was switching them...it’s nuts the amount of effort I was putting into this.” She knew she wasn’t doing the right thing but that didn’t stop her from driving drunk to pick up her drugs.
During all this chaos in Stephanie’s life, she and her sister would reconnect, then Laura would take off...call or come back...it was just a vicious cycle. She’d take off with no word, then would call and act like nothing was wrong, but to Stephanie, Laura was clearly using....and indeed she was...heroin. No sooner did Laura was pregnant with her 3rd child from a different man. When Laura’s son was 2.5, she found “the dad” dead of an overdose. His sister took the baby and Laura went to detox. After that, she went into a “housing assistance
program” where she was able to have her son with her. Until one day, a neighbor “reintroduced” Laura to pain pills.
One may be reading/listening and thinking.... who’s story is this? Sure, we are all responsible for our own actions but sometimes...our actions and behaviors...have a ripple effect, especially when we are vulnerable and not rooted in Christ.... we can either pay it forward or subtract it backward. Stephanie ended up spending all her money on drugs and was evicted due to the lack of rent money... “I ended up back at my mom's house... [she laughs] ...but in the spare bedroom this time, not the basement.” The spare bedroom had a bed, a dresser
and was filled with blue totes. But nothing changed in this house either; they smoked and drank excessively. With her son Ryan turning 5 and starting Kindergarten, she once again said to herself, “I can't stay here.” Without Christ, negative patterns WILL resurface.
Stephanie was always with a different social crowd, a different boyfriend, and with each, “came the using again.” Then one day her stepdad yelled at her son, and she knew, “...it was time to reel myself back in.” She sent her resume to an environmental company that wasn’t even advertising, yet they hired her, and the job was good. I must point out God’s guiding hand in this...for there are NO coincidences or lucky streaks. She left the current boyfriend and 3 months later rented her own home in the neighbor she grew up in. It’s apparent
that when Stephanie puts her mind to something, there’s no stopping her, but she can fall back just as easily, that is.... Until she makes Christ the center of her life.
Apparently, her stepbrother (Jack’s son, John) still lived in the same area. One day she sees a house for rent which is nicer than the one she’s in, and it just so happened to be right next door to John, and to no surprise, Stephanie jumps right into another move. Now she’s living next door to her stepbrother and well, pain pills are back in her life. Then she reconnects with someone from HS, moves out of her own place and into his and as Stephanie described it, “...my alcoholism was off the charts...so I ended up going to a meeting. And, you know,
saying...Hi, I'm Stephanie, I'm an alcoholic...those words were just...so powerful...I just...started crying...what has my life come to?” But it didn’t last...she went to a wedding and started drinking again.
Then in February of 2016 she received a call at 2am from her mom’s new boyfriend Donny. Her sister Laura and her latest [abusive] boyfriend were at a bar when they got into a fight. Laura left and he stayed. Upon arriving home, he found Laura hanging by a belt in the closet. Barely breathing she was rushed to the hospital. Laura was pronounced brain dead and now the family was faced with the choice to donate her organs. They had to wait for her to die on her own in order to donate ALL her organs. They waited approximately 2-3 days and when it was just about time, Stephanie recalls PRAYING. She shares, “...I think this was the first time that I...ever prayed...for real.” & “I was praying for her to pass.” Stephanie cries, “who prays for that?!” But she was reassured in the fact that she was praying for her sister to be at peace and no longer suffer as there was no chance of survival. Unfortunately, her heart and lungs were not viable for donating but her kidneys and liver went to three 60-year-old men. This brought Stephanie some comfort; her sister saved 3 lives.
Throughout the entire funeral process and straight through November, Stephanie can honestly admit that she was drunk most of the time and doesn’t remember much during that timeframe either.
But she does remember... “I remember sitting outside... [November 2016] [thinking], this isn't working...the alcohol wasn't working...nothing’s working. I was just living in this house...crying all the time...I would hold it together for when Ryan was there...but...I was going down that road.” So I had Thanksgiving with...friends and didn't want to go home after that. So I ended up at the bar. I got wasted...that whole Thanksgiving weekend was a blur ...that Monday.... I was drunk...sitting on my bed, I have a lighter, burning my sister's initials into my arms. and I'm sitting on my bed, and I'm looking at the little scar...And I'm just like...Can I do it? Can I...really do it?” That little scar she spoke of.... Well right after high school, around the age of 17, Stephanie purposely cut her wrist. She shared with me that it was not her intention to kill herself.... but she was seeking attention. She spent 3 days in a hospital and after extensive evaluation, she was discharged.
Now she’s sitting on the end of her bed, drunk, staring at that scar, contemplating life, knowing something had to change when she felt Jesus standing there... “...pushing my forehead and putting me to sleep... go to bed. God was just like, go to bed Stephanie and let me help you.” That Tuesday morning Stephanie woke up laying in the same spot, wearing the same clothes, even her beer was still half full. “I woke up...different...what the heck just happened...I went to work...[and] I felt like crap.” Sitting at work, recalling a previous time she’d had been to women's recovery program...she says to herself, “I’m done, I give up, I have to go back...I need help...I can’t do this on my own.” And that is exactly what she shared with the group at the women’s meeting. Stephanie entered into a 12-step program, where she was taught about recovery and faith and reliance on God. That was the beginning of her journey into recovery and growing more in her faith.
“After my sister died...nothing was fun anymore. I started the road to recovery...I surrendered to recovery.”
For some people, after a loss like that, it can pull them even further down into darkness. But this instance was Stephanie’s “rock bottom.” And she took the Lord’s hand, and He picked her up.
Today, Stephanie shares that her personal relationship with Jesus is much stronger now... “It's...nice to not feel alone....a lot of my childhood and growing up...I always felt...alone...always pushed aside....and now...I know that I'm not alone...any situation that comes about...it's just...so easy to pray...open the Bible...read a paragraph...read a verse... and it always answers what I'm thinking about...and I feel like I don't have to worry, I really don’t worry anymore.”
It’s amazing how God works; so many people, different men came in and out of Stephanie’s life, including Bryan (with a y), her husband of 2 months! Their paths crossed often throughout the years; he battled his own demons/addictions, but yet they never did addictive behaviors together. While Stephanie was “getting herself clean,” so was Bryan. And it’s evident that God brought the two of them together in His timing...at a time in which the two of them had the determination to pursue a life of staying clean and sober. Which lead to a life of wanting to care for one another; to lift each other up as opposed to pull the other down...there's no doubt that God was preparing each of them to become one!
The seed, God’s Word, was planted in Stephanie’s heart when she was a little girl; just a little girl sitting in a window praying with her yellow covered bible in her hand. That seed might not have been watered back then nor given the environment to germinate, but it wasn’t dead, just dormant. That was until Christ got her attention that Monday after Thanksgiving, the year her sister died. That was truly THE defining moment that changed her life for good. Why? Because all the other times she tried to clean herself up, she was trying to do it on her own. Then when she felt the hand of God on her forehead as she “fell asleep,” she woke up knowing she can’t do it on her own. She heard God commanding her to let Him help...He was the answer, her ONLY answer. And that’s when she turned to God and got herself into a faith-based recovery program.
Matthew 17:20 states, and Jesus says to them, “... I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it would move, nothing would be impossible.”
Nine months after Stephanie surrendered to Jesus and a faith-based recovery, her stepbrother John died at the age of 50 and yet Stephanie did NOT use; she stayed sober! That’s the power of a relationship with Jesus!
Nothing is impossible!
Stephanie recently celebrated five years clean and sober. God has placed on her heart to help others in need who may not necessarily know the Lord just yet. She continues to be driven, motivated, determined, and hardworking...but no longer impulsive. She is learning how to take a step back and “wait on the Lord” to guide her and strengthen her.
Stephanie and Bryan continue to trust the process, God’s process. They trust God, understand and see to it that their individual relationship with Him MUST come first in order for their relationship together to be whole and sober in Christ; and for Stephanie to be the Christian mom Ryan needs and for Bryan to be the Christian
stepdad, Ryan deserves.
And Ryan, I just want to tell you that you are a mighty young man of God. And with God, you WILL break the generational curse; stay rooted in the word and in fellowship with other Christian kids like yourself.
Stephanie, I pray the following verse over you, Bryan, and Ryan...in your individual walks with Christ and in your walk together as a family in Christ...
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13
And as a family say...
“We can do all things in Christ who strengthen us!
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